Many of us have a checklist of what we want in a mate. It may include looks, health, salary, athleticism, sense of humor, wealth, and charisma, For some of my friends, I've noticed that once some basic criteria are met, they also evaluate quality of dates, Valentine's Day plans and birthday gifts. Many also have deal-breakers like no-kids. I'll admit, I had some superficial things on my list even as I approached my late 30's in terms of expectations. For example, I preferred homeowners to renters. I think everyone has a bunch of superficial things.
We often are too quick to make judgements. For example, I recall being lukewarm about a guy who expressed interest in me on an online dating site because I thought he looked a little sloppy in his photo. The rest of his profile including his message to me were fine. I responded somewhat lukewarmly. He sent me his phone number. I took months to respond and eventually his profile was gone. Probably found a smarter girl who responded right away. This was right at the beginning of my experience with online dating after my divorce in 2006. Not having the perspective of knowing that there wasn't an endless supply of high quality profiles (with or without a great picture), or guys interested in me, I realized years later that I was too quick to judge.
What I've noticed in myself and friends is that sometimes we can dwell too much on the superficial. Ladies, we have to let up a little on our lists and get our priorities straight. We can hold out for a guy who has everything on the list and take the risk (and it is a risk) that what we're looking for will show up later. However, at some point, especially as we hit our mid-30's, the number of options will go down. Fewer guys will available because many of them will get married. We're also getting older and whether it's fair or not, the value of our stock goes down.
It's important to keep perspective on what is really important. Respect should be at the top of the list. Does the man respect you? Does he treat you as if you are important? Does he listen to you? Likewise, do you respect him as a person? Not because of what he does or how much he makes or how tall he is, but because he's a good person.
As we get older, the reality is that we will have to make some compromises. Some of us will still meet the dream guy. But it starts to become more the exception than the rule. We may meet a wonderful guy but he has children, and an ex-wife and perhaps alimony payments too. This happened to me. I met a guy I really connected with but he had the baggage of a divorce and a greedy ex-wife. It bugged me. But he was responsible and caring. Even though he had been hit financially from the divorce, he had a stable job. I am a good income earner and I had to accept that while life wouldn't be as comfortable as I'd like it to be, things would be OK. He and his son brought a lot of joy to my life and it was worth it to live more modestly than I imagined in my dream scenario and be in a solid relationship where there was deep mutual caring (which I never had in any previous relationship.)
You may find yourself making similar compromises to your checklist. Maybe it's not a man with kids but maybe he's a few inches shorter than you'd like (I knew girl who actually had a requirement that the guy had to be 2 inches taller than her when she was wearing her 4 inch heals.) Even if you're in your 20's, try to look into people's hearts. Focus on respect, care, and compatibility. It's OK to have a list but prioritize and make good judgements about what your deal breakers are versus what you can live with. If you're too selective, you may just find yourself in the same situations as so many other women, to look back and realize you let some good ones go.
Most of us who hold out, eventually come around when we start to understand what to value in a person. Reality is that we end up making more compromises as we get older than we would have to when we were younger. It's fine and I'm very happy but I probably created more angst for myself than if I had been a little less picky when I was younger.
No comments:
Post a Comment