More than anything, the fear of our biological clocks drives many women to sadness and anxiety over finding 'the one'. Having a child is supposed to be one of those life experiences that we all have. For me, I was neurotic about it. It was a constant thought in my mind as I approached 40. It led me to even get engaged to a man who didn't particularly treat me that well. I also had a hard time at family gatherings where everyone else was popping out kids left and right. I'd go home and cry. I didn't want to wallow in self-pity but I felt a loss. After I passed 40, I couldn't even look at a woman who was pregnant. All I could feel was envy. Other times when someone I knew was having a baby, I felt like I had to put a fake smile on my face for their upcoming joy. It was hard. I won't sugarcoat it.
Fertility varies quite a bit between women. There are so many statistics to scare us about the probabilities. Reality is that even younger women have fertility issues and many women past 40 remain fertile. No one knows what kind of card we'll draw. I realized when I broke off my engagement, that a baby wasn't going to make me happy if my relationship wasn't solid. So as painful as it was (I was 39 at the time), I had to break it off. But I was worried because now I was almost 40 and felt time was running out. I needed to calm down about the having a baby dilemma.
Keep in mind that crossing 35 or even 40 is not some magical number where you stop becoming fertile. It's a gradual thing. Also there are so many tests like ovulation predictors and fertility monitors that can increase your chances substantially of getting pregnant by helping you with timing your fertility window every month. In other words, the dismal stats about probabilities of getting pregnant in any month are not factoring in timing intercourse during your ovulation window. If you take all 28-30 days of your cycle into account, there are days where women no matter how young can't get pregnant. If you look at probabilities with women using tests like ovulation predictors, the probability is much higher even if you're older. (The published studies on pregnancy chance don't factor that in). So don't let the statistics get you down.
Even if you haven't met the right guy yet and are worried about whether you're still fertile, go get a $10 drugstore ovulation test and see if you're releasing an egg. If you are, you are still able to get pregnant. It's only after menopause that you can't get pregnant. Average oneset of menopause is 50. I'm not trying to provide false hope. I'm just saying, don't freak out just because 40 in impending or you're in your early 40's. They do say that once you are 45 it's harder to get pregnant with your own eggs. But in general if you peruse pregnancy message boards on the internet, many women get pregnant in their 40's. You can also get a simple blood test for FSH levels to check your egg supply. If you're concerned about Down's Syndrome and other risks in the event you do get pregnant, there are tests that help diagnose that early in pregnancy.
Now having said all that, why not consider adoption? There are an incredible number of kids who need families. International options abound for adopting infants if you want that. I know so many people who have done this and who feel incredibly blessed and are so happy. If you are maternal, you will love a child, even if he or she didn't come out of your belly. Don't underestimate the rewards and blessings of raising a child. Again, there is no shortage of children who need loving families. Many employers also provide adoption credit as a benefit to aid with the cost of adoption. If you pursue international options especially, it's not as expensive as you might think.
Bottom line, don't reduce the quality of your life over things you can't control. Importantly, don't give up hope of being a mother if that's something you want. Focus on the options and remember you do have options. Not everyone has to go about doing things in the same old conventional way. You are unique with your own experiences. There are plenty of studies that show older moms have advantages of life experience and stability to offer a child.
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