One thing that surprises me about online profiles is how bad so many of them are. Also even for those of us who do spend time writing what we think is a good profile, in actuality we can end up with a really bad one and not realize it. Getting an objective opinion is important. Don't assume that you're a great profile writer.
I remember reading the profile of one of girlfriends who is a wonderful writer (even published). Her online profile was terrible. I recall every paragraph started with "I"... "I am looking for x", "I want y", "I believe z". Nothing wrong with saying "I" but in looking at each paragraph cluttered with "I's" she came across as completely self-centered like everything was all about her. She wasn't like that in real life at all.
Another friend had overemphasized her interest in religion and volunteer work. Nothing wrong with mentioning those things because they were important to her. However, she mentioned that so many times that I was left wondering if she even had time for a man in her life.
It helps to get outside help in writing your profile. There are many online services who are very happy to charge you a lot of money to help you with your profile from a few hundred bucks to thousands for a complete package including photo shoots. You don't need to spend that kind of money. Online dating sites charge plenty already. I feel like there are too many services and people preying on our desperation to find a partner. It irks me that so many are looking to make a career out of charging so much for their advice. (OK, I'm going off topic!)
Try to write a profile that shows your interests but has you come across as someone approachable. Also focus on the most important things you are looking for in a partner. Don't rattle off your long checklist. It will scare guys off. Talk about the important and essential parts of a relationship like listening and supporting one another and providing mutual support.You want to convey that you understand what's important in a relationship.
Have someone else (especially the same sex of who you want to meet) read your profile. A good male friend or relative is a great source. I often find men to be so much more helpful with relationship advice than my women friends. So get a guy's perspective directly from a guy.
One piece of useful advice that I read in a book is the importance of having a decent set of pictures. Too many of us use cropped photos of ourselves from group shots, or don't have pictures with good resolution. This is one area where I would advise you to get a professional to help. Actually I got the tip from a website who offered $3000 dating packages. Instead of paying that fee, I decided to just find a local photographer who charged me $200 for a one hour session. He also was able to recommend someone to do my makeup for $50. We took many shots indoors and outdoors in different settings and clothes. The pictures were fantastic and my online responses increased dramatically.
I was worried that I would look prettier in my photos than real life but the lesson here is that you should try to look your best especially the first few dates. You don't need to spend $100 on a blowout for every date, but look nice, dress well in a flattering way. You need to have standout pictures to make sure the guy sees you. Make sure to include not just head shots but also a full body shot. You should have at least 6-8 photos. Don't skimp with 1 or 2. Make sure at least a couple of pictures are in a dress! It doesn't have to be revealing but you want to look feminine. Men are very visually oriented. That's just how they are. If you don't get yourself noticed (when there are so many competing profiles for him to sort through), you'll never even get a shot to meet or talk to him.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Who Pays for the Date?
I'll admit that I like it when the guy always insists on paying as opposed to the ones who are happy to split the check. My rule of thumb is to offer. Times have changed and I don't believe we should sit on our high horses and expect to always be taken care of. Some guys will still not let you pay. If you're lucky to meet someone like that, good for you. If not, try not to judge the guy poorly.
I have found that almost every guy will cover the first date. I think that's is good enough. At least he's chivalrous enough to try and make a good first impression. The ones who don't offer on the first date, get a ding in my book. Chivalry should not be completely dead even though women are good earners nowadays. So first date coverage is bare minimum. But after that don't get too hung up on him always paying. In talking to men about this, many of them feel like they are being taken advantage of because there are plenty of women will sit on their high horse. Chances are, he's been on a fair number of dates and it can get expensive to always pay. So try and be a little fair after the second date and either alternate or preferably go dutch.
Now one problem I encountered is that I often had a smaller share of the bill. For example, I don't drink and the guy I was with did. I also was uncomfortable paying for his alcohol. He should recognize this if he's a good guy. He should be appreciative that you are willing to split or cover the check. But if he consistently consumes more than you, he should recognize that and either cover other costs like movie tickets or taxi fares or pay the tip or some other option.
If he doesn't do the right thing, don't hesitate to tell him that you'd rather split the bill differently. If he doesn't get the picture after your graciousness, then he's probably not a keeper.
Bottom line, the 100% chivalrous guys are great but try to be fair after the first date especially if you earn a decent living. It's OK for him to cover a little more but not for you too. There are exceptions, I met a guy who had a tough divorce. I really liked him a lot and I knew he was responsible and would get back on his feet. I probably eventually took on a little more than my share after a few months. But by then we were past the 'courtship period' and I was OK doing that because I knew he was recovering from a tough situation. I also knew he was a keeper and he treated me so well in other ways that money became less of an issue.
I have found that almost every guy will cover the first date. I think that's is good enough. At least he's chivalrous enough to try and make a good first impression. The ones who don't offer on the first date, get a ding in my book. Chivalry should not be completely dead even though women are good earners nowadays. So first date coverage is bare minimum. But after that don't get too hung up on him always paying. In talking to men about this, many of them feel like they are being taken advantage of because there are plenty of women will sit on their high horse. Chances are, he's been on a fair number of dates and it can get expensive to always pay. So try and be a little fair after the second date and either alternate or preferably go dutch.
Now one problem I encountered is that I often had a smaller share of the bill. For example, I don't drink and the guy I was with did. I also was uncomfortable paying for his alcohol. He should recognize this if he's a good guy. He should be appreciative that you are willing to split or cover the check. But if he consistently consumes more than you, he should recognize that and either cover other costs like movie tickets or taxi fares or pay the tip or some other option.
If he doesn't do the right thing, don't hesitate to tell him that you'd rather split the bill differently. If he doesn't get the picture after your graciousness, then he's probably not a keeper.
Bottom line, the 100% chivalrous guys are great but try to be fair after the first date especially if you earn a decent living. It's OK for him to cover a little more but not for you too. There are exceptions, I met a guy who had a tough divorce. I really liked him a lot and I knew he was responsible and would get back on his feet. I probably eventually took on a little more than my share after a few months. But by then we were past the 'courtship period' and I was OK doing that because I knew he was recovering from a tough situation. I also knew he was a keeper and he treated me so well in other ways that money became less of an issue.
Biological Clock Fears
More than anything, the fear of our biological clocks drives many women to sadness and anxiety over finding 'the one'. Having a child is supposed to be one of those life experiences that we all have. For me, I was neurotic about it. It was a constant thought in my mind as I approached 40. It led me to even get engaged to a man who didn't particularly treat me that well. I also had a hard time at family gatherings where everyone else was popping out kids left and right. I'd go home and cry. I didn't want to wallow in self-pity but I felt a loss. After I passed 40, I couldn't even look at a woman who was pregnant. All I could feel was envy. Other times when someone I knew was having a baby, I felt like I had to put a fake smile on my face for their upcoming joy. It was hard. I won't sugarcoat it.
Fertility varies quite a bit between women. There are so many statistics to scare us about the probabilities. Reality is that even younger women have fertility issues and many women past 40 remain fertile. No one knows what kind of card we'll draw. I realized when I broke off my engagement, that a baby wasn't going to make me happy if my relationship wasn't solid. So as painful as it was (I was 39 at the time), I had to break it off. But I was worried because now I was almost 40 and felt time was running out. I needed to calm down about the having a baby dilemma.
Keep in mind that crossing 35 or even 40 is not some magical number where you stop becoming fertile. It's a gradual thing. Also there are so many tests like ovulation predictors and fertility monitors that can increase your chances substantially of getting pregnant by helping you with timing your fertility window every month. In other words, the dismal stats about probabilities of getting pregnant in any month are not factoring in timing intercourse during your ovulation window. If you take all 28-30 days of your cycle into account, there are days where women no matter how young can't get pregnant. If you look at probabilities with women using tests like ovulation predictors, the probability is much higher even if you're older. (The published studies on pregnancy chance don't factor that in). So don't let the statistics get you down.
Even if you haven't met the right guy yet and are worried about whether you're still fertile, go get a $10 drugstore ovulation test and see if you're releasing an egg. If you are, you are still able to get pregnant. It's only after menopause that you can't get pregnant. Average oneset of menopause is 50. I'm not trying to provide false hope. I'm just saying, don't freak out just because 40 in impending or you're in your early 40's. They do say that once you are 45 it's harder to get pregnant with your own eggs. But in general if you peruse pregnancy message boards on the internet, many women get pregnant in their 40's. You can also get a simple blood test for FSH levels to check your egg supply. If you're concerned about Down's Syndrome and other risks in the event you do get pregnant, there are tests that help diagnose that early in pregnancy.
Now having said all that, why not consider adoption? There are an incredible number of kids who need families. International options abound for adopting infants if you want that. I know so many people who have done this and who feel incredibly blessed and are so happy. If you are maternal, you will love a child, even if he or she didn't come out of your belly. Don't underestimate the rewards and blessings of raising a child. Again, there is no shortage of children who need loving families. Many employers also provide adoption credit as a benefit to aid with the cost of adoption. If you pursue international options especially, it's not as expensive as you might think.
Bottom line, don't reduce the quality of your life over things you can't control. Importantly, don't give up hope of being a mother if that's something you want. Focus on the options and remember you do have options. Not everyone has to go about doing things in the same old conventional way. You are unique with your own experiences. There are plenty of studies that show older moms have advantages of life experience and stability to offer a child.
Fertility varies quite a bit between women. There are so many statistics to scare us about the probabilities. Reality is that even younger women have fertility issues and many women past 40 remain fertile. No one knows what kind of card we'll draw. I realized when I broke off my engagement, that a baby wasn't going to make me happy if my relationship wasn't solid. So as painful as it was (I was 39 at the time), I had to break it off. But I was worried because now I was almost 40 and felt time was running out. I needed to calm down about the having a baby dilemma.
Keep in mind that crossing 35 or even 40 is not some magical number where you stop becoming fertile. It's a gradual thing. Also there are so many tests like ovulation predictors and fertility monitors that can increase your chances substantially of getting pregnant by helping you with timing your fertility window every month. In other words, the dismal stats about probabilities of getting pregnant in any month are not factoring in timing intercourse during your ovulation window. If you take all 28-30 days of your cycle into account, there are days where women no matter how young can't get pregnant. If you look at probabilities with women using tests like ovulation predictors, the probability is much higher even if you're older. (The published studies on pregnancy chance don't factor that in). So don't let the statistics get you down.
Even if you haven't met the right guy yet and are worried about whether you're still fertile, go get a $10 drugstore ovulation test and see if you're releasing an egg. If you are, you are still able to get pregnant. It's only after menopause that you can't get pregnant. Average oneset of menopause is 50. I'm not trying to provide false hope. I'm just saying, don't freak out just because 40 in impending or you're in your early 40's. They do say that once you are 45 it's harder to get pregnant with your own eggs. But in general if you peruse pregnancy message boards on the internet, many women get pregnant in their 40's. You can also get a simple blood test for FSH levels to check your egg supply. If you're concerned about Down's Syndrome and other risks in the event you do get pregnant, there are tests that help diagnose that early in pregnancy.
Now having said all that, why not consider adoption? There are an incredible number of kids who need families. International options abound for adopting infants if you want that. I know so many people who have done this and who feel incredibly blessed and are so happy. If you are maternal, you will love a child, even if he or she didn't come out of your belly. Don't underestimate the rewards and blessings of raising a child. Again, there is no shortage of children who need loving families. Many employers also provide adoption credit as a benefit to aid with the cost of adoption. If you pursue international options especially, it's not as expensive as you might think.
Bottom line, don't reduce the quality of your life over things you can't control. Importantly, don't give up hope of being a mother if that's something you want. Focus on the options and remember you do have options. Not everyone has to go about doing things in the same old conventional way. You are unique with your own experiences. There are plenty of studies that show older moms have advantages of life experience and stability to offer a child.
Is Your 'Checkist' Reasonable?
Many of us have a checklist of what we want in a mate. It may include looks, health, salary, athleticism, sense of humor, wealth, and charisma, For some of my friends, I've noticed that once some basic criteria are met, they also evaluate quality of dates, Valentine's Day plans and birthday gifts. Many also have deal-breakers like no-kids. I'll admit, I had some superficial things on my list even as I approached my late 30's in terms of expectations. For example, I preferred homeowners to renters. I think everyone has a bunch of superficial things.
We often are too quick to make judgements. For example, I recall being lukewarm about a guy who expressed interest in me on an online dating site because I thought he looked a little sloppy in his photo. The rest of his profile including his message to me were fine. I responded somewhat lukewarmly. He sent me his phone number. I took months to respond and eventually his profile was gone. Probably found a smarter girl who responded right away. This was right at the beginning of my experience with online dating after my divorce in 2006. Not having the perspective of knowing that there wasn't an endless supply of high quality profiles (with or without a great picture), or guys interested in me, I realized years later that I was too quick to judge.
What I've noticed in myself and friends is that sometimes we can dwell too much on the superficial. Ladies, we have to let up a little on our lists and get our priorities straight. We can hold out for a guy who has everything on the list and take the risk (and it is a risk) that what we're looking for will show up later. However, at some point, especially as we hit our mid-30's, the number of options will go down. Fewer guys will available because many of them will get married. We're also getting older and whether it's fair or not, the value of our stock goes down.
It's important to keep perspective on what is really important. Respect should be at the top of the list. Does the man respect you? Does he treat you as if you are important? Does he listen to you? Likewise, do you respect him as a person? Not because of what he does or how much he makes or how tall he is, but because he's a good person.
As we get older, the reality is that we will have to make some compromises. Some of us will still meet the dream guy. But it starts to become more the exception than the rule. We may meet a wonderful guy but he has children, and an ex-wife and perhaps alimony payments too. This happened to me. I met a guy I really connected with but he had the baggage of a divorce and a greedy ex-wife. It bugged me. But he was responsible and caring. Even though he had been hit financially from the divorce, he had a stable job. I am a good income earner and I had to accept that while life wouldn't be as comfortable as I'd like it to be, things would be OK. He and his son brought a lot of joy to my life and it was worth it to live more modestly than I imagined in my dream scenario and be in a solid relationship where there was deep mutual caring (which I never had in any previous relationship.)
You may find yourself making similar compromises to your checklist. Maybe it's not a man with kids but maybe he's a few inches shorter than you'd like (I knew girl who actually had a requirement that the guy had to be 2 inches taller than her when she was wearing her 4 inch heals.) Even if you're in your 20's, try to look into people's hearts. Focus on respect, care, and compatibility. It's OK to have a list but prioritize and make good judgements about what your deal breakers are versus what you can live with. If you're too selective, you may just find yourself in the same situations as so many other women, to look back and realize you let some good ones go.
Most of us who hold out, eventually come around when we start to understand what to value in a person. Reality is that we end up making more compromises as we get older than we would have to when we were younger. It's fine and I'm very happy but I probably created more angst for myself than if I had been a little less picky when I was younger.
We often are too quick to make judgements. For example, I recall being lukewarm about a guy who expressed interest in me on an online dating site because I thought he looked a little sloppy in his photo. The rest of his profile including his message to me were fine. I responded somewhat lukewarmly. He sent me his phone number. I took months to respond and eventually his profile was gone. Probably found a smarter girl who responded right away. This was right at the beginning of my experience with online dating after my divorce in 2006. Not having the perspective of knowing that there wasn't an endless supply of high quality profiles (with or without a great picture), or guys interested in me, I realized years later that I was too quick to judge.
What I've noticed in myself and friends is that sometimes we can dwell too much on the superficial. Ladies, we have to let up a little on our lists and get our priorities straight. We can hold out for a guy who has everything on the list and take the risk (and it is a risk) that what we're looking for will show up later. However, at some point, especially as we hit our mid-30's, the number of options will go down. Fewer guys will available because many of them will get married. We're also getting older and whether it's fair or not, the value of our stock goes down.
It's important to keep perspective on what is really important. Respect should be at the top of the list. Does the man respect you? Does he treat you as if you are important? Does he listen to you? Likewise, do you respect him as a person? Not because of what he does or how much he makes or how tall he is, but because he's a good person.
As we get older, the reality is that we will have to make some compromises. Some of us will still meet the dream guy. But it starts to become more the exception than the rule. We may meet a wonderful guy but he has children, and an ex-wife and perhaps alimony payments too. This happened to me. I met a guy I really connected with but he had the baggage of a divorce and a greedy ex-wife. It bugged me. But he was responsible and caring. Even though he had been hit financially from the divorce, he had a stable job. I am a good income earner and I had to accept that while life wouldn't be as comfortable as I'd like it to be, things would be OK. He and his son brought a lot of joy to my life and it was worth it to live more modestly than I imagined in my dream scenario and be in a solid relationship where there was deep mutual caring (which I never had in any previous relationship.)
You may find yourself making similar compromises to your checklist. Maybe it's not a man with kids but maybe he's a few inches shorter than you'd like (I knew girl who actually had a requirement that the guy had to be 2 inches taller than her when she was wearing her 4 inch heals.) Even if you're in your 20's, try to look into people's hearts. Focus on respect, care, and compatibility. It's OK to have a list but prioritize and make good judgements about what your deal breakers are versus what you can live with. If you're too selective, you may just find yourself in the same situations as so many other women, to look back and realize you let some good ones go.
Most of us who hold out, eventually come around when we start to understand what to value in a person. Reality is that we end up making more compromises as we get older than we would have to when we were younger. It's fine and I'm very happy but I probably created more angst for myself than if I had been a little less picky when I was younger.
Getting over Heartbreak
You've heard it before. "Time will heal your wounds." People will tell you that it will get better. It just takes time. You know something? It's absolutely true.
Heartbreak can be one of the most gut wrenching emotions you can go through. The man you loved, the one you wanted to take care of, have his kids, take care of his parents, cook for, etc. etc. .... he didn't want you or he was a jerk and wouldn't respect you so you had to let him go. Heartbreak can actually physically hurt. I just remember having an ache in my stomach for weeks with all my heartbreaks.
What I have learned is that you will get over it. They question is when. The longer you hang on, the longer it will take. You have the choice to move on right away. Or you can do what many do and hope things will change. Maybe he'll miss me and come back. Maybe he'll realize how much I loved him. Didn't Prince William come running back for Kate after they broke up?
You have to evaluate whether this person did anything to disrespect you or show that he didn't care. If he did, you are only wasting precious time hanging on. The internet will not have an answer. No blog or dating expert or book, will give you the answer you want to hear. So don't waste hours, days, week, and even years, waiting. Just don't do it. There is bliss out there and it doesn't involve this man. Lament and sadness just will make happiness come even later.
If you must lament, then give it 30 days max. Even that is a lot. I think 2 weeks is better.
Heartbreak can be one of the most gut wrenching emotions you can go through. The man you loved, the one you wanted to take care of, have his kids, take care of his parents, cook for, etc. etc. .... he didn't want you or he was a jerk and wouldn't respect you so you had to let him go. Heartbreak can actually physically hurt. I just remember having an ache in my stomach for weeks with all my heartbreaks.
What I have learned is that you will get over it. They question is when. The longer you hang on, the longer it will take. You have the choice to move on right away. Or you can do what many do and hope things will change. Maybe he'll miss me and come back. Maybe he'll realize how much I loved him. Didn't Prince William come running back for Kate after they broke up?
You have to evaluate whether this person did anything to disrespect you or show that he didn't care. If he did, you are only wasting precious time hanging on. The internet will not have an answer. No blog or dating expert or book, will give you the answer you want to hear. So don't waste hours, days, week, and even years, waiting. Just don't do it. There is bliss out there and it doesn't involve this man. Lament and sadness just will make happiness come even later.
If you must lament, then give it 30 days max. Even that is a lot. I think 2 weeks is better.
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